NCIS: Superfriends
by tinlizzie82
Summary: The team has superpowers but they don't always use them wisely. AU/crack!fic/humour. The stories in this verse can stand alone but they are short so I will post them as chapters, two complete so far. Warning: Spanking, multiple ships and other high jinks.
1. Chapter 1

Gibbs walked into the bullpen to see Tony at his desk stuffing his face - again.

"DiNozzo, what did I tell you about eating at your desk?"

"That it gets crumbs in the computer," said Tony around a mouthful of breakfast burrito. Gibbs started to raise his hand. "And ... I shouldn't do it," Tony added before Gibbs could administer the headslap.

"So, why are you still chewing?"

Tony stuffed the last bite in his mouth. "I didn haw bwafas." He swallowed and continued, "You know that if I don't eat I get all slow and lazy."

"I don't think the lazy part has anything to do with a lack of calories." Gibbs shook his head in disgust as Tony brushed crumbs from his desk to the floor. "I guess it's good you ate. I've got a job for you. McGee just picked up our suspect's cell phone and it looks like he may be meeting his contact in Rock Creek Park any minute. You're the only one who can get there in time."

"On it Boss," said Tony as he grabbed his gear and with a whoosh and a barely visible blur he was gone, a small cyclone of papers flying off the desks in his wake.

Gibbs looked at the mess and sighed. "God dammit, DiNozzo, how many times do I have to tell you not to use your speed indoors," he muttered to himself as he bent over to start retrieving the files from the floor.

After a moment he got that tingling feeling on the back of his scalp that meant that someone was thinking about him. He paused for a moment with his eyes unfocused, then stood up and headed for Autopsy.

*********

"So Ducky, what have you got for me," he asked as he swung through the doors to the morgue.

Dr. Mallard looked up from the corpse he was studying. "A teller of tales," he said. "I suspect our victim here would get along well with Tony, he seems to be a movie buff and keeps insisting that his killer was the man with one arm. He says he was beaten to death with the prothesis in question."

"What?" Gibbs could never quite wrap his brain around the idea that Ducky's talent was an ability to *hear* corpses.

"_The Fugitive_, Jethro. Surely even you have seen the TV show. Of course he's lying. They always do."

"Ducky, don't make me read your mind."

"No, I wouldn't want that. You have always been very courteous in respecting my privacy."

"Well I'm not feeling very polite right now," Gibbs growled, "Cause of death? The real one."

"Gunshot wound to the upper thigh. As you can see on the X-ray, it nicked the femoral artery. He would have bled out in less than ten minutes. Here is the bullet for Abby."

"He died from a wound to his _leg?_"

"It's a major artery but not something you would ever aim for. No, I believe our shooter probably did not intend to kill."

"That - or he's a really bad shot." Gibbs turned and headed for the door. He paused before leaving. "If they always lie, why do you make them talk?" he asked.

"Well, talking to a corpse that didn't answer would be rather strange, don't you think."

Gibbs left, shaking with silent laughter at the foibles of his old friend.

**********

His next stop was Abby's lab. When he got there he found that McGee and Ziva were already in residence. He noticed that Abby was staring with great interest at Ziva.

"Abby! You're doing it again," he barked.

Ziva looked over at Abby and with a yelp, promptly disappeared. A moment later her voice sounded from behind the lab table. "Abby, I told you I hate it when you do that in public."

"You know, Ziva," said Abby as she turned in the direction of the voice,"If you want to hide you have to be quiet. Once I know where you are my x-ray vision lets me see you. Besides, why shouldn't I picture you naked after what I let you do last night."

"What did you let her do last night?" asked McGee in a nervous voice.

"Watch," said Abby.

"The whole time?" squeaked McGee.

"Yes," answered Ziva. "Did you know that your butt goes all pink when you..."

She stopped as Tim let out a yelp of his own and reached for the computer keyboard. As soon as he touched it he seemed to melt into a multicolored stream and flowed between the keys, disappearing from view.

"Enough!" roared Gibbs. "Have you all forgotten rule thirty-one?"

"Never use your powers for personal pleasure," answered Tony as he strolled into the room at normal human speed. "Did I miss something?" he asked as he heard Ziva's disembodied chuckle and took in McGee's head which had appeared in one of the computer moniters.

"Abby was using her vision to see Ziva naked, and Ziva told Tim that Abby let her watch last night when they were..." Gibbs shook his head. "What am I doing? I was trying to end the conversation, not repeat it." He glared around the room. "If I find any of you using your powers that way again there will be trouble." He turned to look at the perky goth whose green eyes were fixed on him. "That includes you Abby," he said as he held her gaze. "And I'd prefer it if you'd leave my underwear out of your field of view."

Abby giggled, "Aw Gibbs, you're no fun."

"So what did you find?" said Gibbs as he turned back to Tony.

"Nothing, he was meeting his girlfriend for a picnic. That was some real useful information you lifted McGenius," said Tony in a disgusted tone.

"We'll just have to keep watching him," said Gibbs. "McGee, can you ..." he stopped when he realized that McGee's head was no longer visible in the monitor. "Dammit McGee, would you get out of there."

Abby marched over to the keyboard. "Tim, you'd better not be changing my passwords again!" She bent over and started hitting the return key.

In a rush of liquid color McGee emerged from the computer, rubbing his head. "I wish you wouldn't do that Abby, the return key really hurts. And I know better than to mess with your passwords. The last time I did that you infected my laptop with a virus and I was sick for a week."

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE FOCUS!" yelled Gibbs. The room went silent. "McGee, keep tracking the phones. Abby, I want this bullet examined. Ziva, make yourself visible and start getting background on our victim. Tony, you come with me." He marched towards the door with Tony right behind him.

*********

When they got to the bullpen, Gibbs went straight to his desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out a small Dunkin' Doughnuts bag which he handed to Tony.

"Wow, Boss. Boston Creme. I love these things," Tony said as he took a big bite of the doughnut. Then his forehead wrinkled in confusion. "I thought you didn't want me eating in the office, Boss?"

"This is a special occasion - Abby told me you decided to go commando today."

"Well, if it makes you this happy, I can let 'em hang everyday," said Tony with a smile. Then he flinched as Gibbs gave him a sharp headslap.

"I wanted you to have enough energy to get us both home quickly. I'm in the mood for a nooner," he said with a wolfish smile.

"What about rule thirty-one?"

"Doesn't apply to bosses," was Gibbs' succinct answer.

Tony grinned at him then grabbed his hand and in a flash they were gone.

The End


	2. Rule 51 part 1

When Gibbs walked into Vance's office, he was spoiling for a fight. In most situations, he only used his ability to read minds when they were on a case and even then only on the witnesses or suspects. Use it too often on your friends and co-workers and you were liable to find yourself alone and out of a job. Besides, just the threat of it was usually enough to ensure that anyone who knew what he could do was truthful around him. One good death stare and his team invariably fessed up. They might be dysfunctional but they weren't stupid.

He did, however, make an exception for sudden conference calls from the Director. As any marine could tell you, your weapons didn't do you any good unless you were willing to use them. No matter how much he had started to respect Vance, he was still the brass and the brass was always the enemy. Any good Gunny could tell you that. So he had pried into Vance's mind and knew, even before he entered the office, that he was not going to like what Vance had to say.

Vance took one look at Gibbs' scowling face and knew what he had done. He could have complained but decided not to make a difficult situation any worse.

"So I take it you already know why I called you in here?"

"Yup." Maybe it was a result of his own ability to fill in the blanks but Gibbs had never seen a reason to give away any more than necessary in a conversation.

"Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to call you since you insist on reading my mind every time I do. It certainly can't be because I hope to change your mind. Even when you seem to listen to me you just go off and do your own thing anyway."

Gibbs didn't feel like these statements needed a response so he just continued to regard the director with his implacable stare.

"This time isn't going to be any different, is it?"

"Nope."

"Well, you might want to think again. Since you already helped yourself to the details I won't say more than that the FBI is sniffing around your team. They claim to have had reports of some odd occurrences but I think the fact that your solve rate is starting to get attention is what really has their panties in a wad."

"Let 'em wonder. What are they going to do about it anyway?"

"See now, that's why I'm the director." Vance ignored Gibbs' snort of dismissal and continued, "How long did it take you to put together your team? Years, right. Well I can tell you it would be taken apart in days if anyone outside this agency gets wind of what they can do. Someone would yell 'national security' and none of your people would ever be heard from again."

"It's not like we advertise," was Gibbs' response.

"You won't have to. I get the feeling my counterpart at the FBI is determined to embarrass us. Like I said, I don't think he knows much but he hates that we're stealing his thunder. They'd sacrifice the most successful team in federal law enforcement in a second if it would get them a bigger piece of the limelight ... they'll be watching you."

"Damn Feebies. Forget the limelight. Hell, they'd sacrifice us if someone promised to shine a flashlight up their ass," said Gibbs, admitting that Vance had a point. "We'll be careful."

"You'll be more than careful. Until the FBI loses interest I want you to restrict your team to normal investigative methods unless absolutely necessary," said Vance without much hope that Gibbs would obey.

"And who decides what's necessary?" asked Gibbs.

"I do."

Gibbs snorted and turned to leave the office. _If they weren't such a successful team I would never tolerate this, _thought Vance. _I might also be just a little afraid of them and I really don't want to think about the damage they could do running around loose._

"Got that right," said Gibbs and smiled as he walked through the door.

"Damn it Gibbs! If your not gonna listen the least you could do is refrain from reading my mind." There was no reply because Gibbs had already left. "I know you *heard* me, you ornery bastard," was the parting shot he threw at the closed door.

* * *

Gibbs made his way down to the bullpen to find that Tony was the only one of his agents in residence.

"Where is everyone ... we need to talk," he said.

"Well, Tim's in Abby's lab and Ziva's still watching our suspect ..."

"Alone? I thought I told you to go with her."

"Uhm ... boss ... you sent our little Israeli voyeur to do surveillance on a guy who claims to be a sex therapist but is really just a male gigolo."

"So? You could have stayed outside."

"Yeah, right ... and miss all the action? Ziva grabbed my hand, went invisible and stationed us in the bedroom. She was getting so excited, and gripping my hand so hard, I figured I'd better get out of there before she decided she wanted to hang on to another part of my anatomy."

Gibbs rolled his eyes.

"Don't be mad, boss. You did tell her to watch him. And it was kinda educational." Tony got a faraway look in his eyes and smiled as he remembered a particularly interesting scene.

THWAP! Gibbs smacked the back of Tony's head, returning him to reality.

"DiNozzo, if you try to get within ten feet of me with Saran Wrap you'll be sleeping in the basement. Alone."

"Aww, Gibbs, you have no sense of adventure."

"Get her back here," ordered Gibbs as he turned and headed for the elevator, "And tell her to be very careful when she rematerializes. The FBI is watching us. If you need me I'll be in the lab."

"On it boss," said Tony. "Hey, boss, you might want to knock before you go in the lab," he yelled after Gibbs but he was too late. The elevator door had already closed.

* * *

Gibbs barged through the lab doors to find Abby hard at work typing frantically on a laptop while McGee watched her intently. A perfectly normal scene except for the fact that Abby was working topless.

"What the HELL is going on here," bellowed Gibbs.

"Hi Gibbs," said Abby completely unperturbed by her state of undress, "I'm just keeping Tim distracted."

"I can see that." Gibbs looked over at McGee in the hope of an explanation but Tim had blushed a deep crimson and appeared incapable of talking. "Put your damn shirt on and tell me what's going on," he said as he turned back to Abby.

Abby donned her lab coat and started to explain. "Tim went into the victim's laptop but there was a virus that shut it off as soon as someone tried to get unauthorized access and he caught it. Every time he thinks about the case or the computer he falls asleep."

"I thought you figured out how to take care of these things, McGee?" asked Gibbs.

The younger agent opened his mouth to reply but before he could his eyes glazed over and he slumped onto the table, sound asleep.

"See what I mean," said Abby, "As long as he was looking at my boobs, he was distracted enough to help me write a patch for the problem."

"How do you wake him up?"

"Easy, I just have to reboot him."

"Reboot him?"

"Well ... more like I just plain boot him," said the Goth with a smile as she hauled off and kicked Tim with a vinyl clad foot. "Personally, I think he likes it."

Gibbs shook his head in exasperation. "Just fix the problem, I don't want to know how, then come up to the bullpen. We need to have a conference."

McGee had finally fully regained consciousness and ran to catch Gibbs before he left. "Boss, I just want you to know we weren't doing anything. We wouldn't ... well, we would ... uhm, we do ... but not at the office."

"You do know you're just making it worse, don't you?" said Gibbs with a wry look before he left McGee standing there.

"How much trouble do you think we're in?" asked Tim as he returned to his seat.

"Oh, he never punishes me," said Abby blithely, removing her lab coat once again and going back to work on the computer. "He knows better than to argue with success. Now feast your eyes so we can get back to work before I freeze."


	3. Rule 51 part 2

_A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this up - I just forgot. This is the conclusion of Rule 51. It may be a while before I add another story to this 'verse since I have a bunch of other WIPs._

Eventually Gibbs managed to get everyone together in the bullpen. The whole team could tell that he was truly worried since he paced back and forth while he spoke.

"We've got a problem. The FBI is jealous of our solve rate and thinks they smell a rat. As of right now they have no idea of our *real* methods, maybe they just think we're cutting legal corners, but they will be watching us," he said as he looked around to see if everyone was paying attention and saw that Ziva was cleaning her nails with her knife. "Ziva," he barked, "this is important."

"I don't see what it has to do with me. They can look all they want but they won't see me unless I want them to," she said in a bored tone.

"Don't you understand - it could be as simple as them seeing your car but not you and then, without warning, there you are. The more suspicious they get, the closer they'll look until eventually they catch you in the act." Gibbs turned from Ziva and addressed the team as a whole. "If they ever ... ever ... get any inkling of what we can do, we can kiss our lives as we know them goodbye. Just imagine what the DOD or NSA could do with our talents. So unless you want to spend the rest of your lives as lab rats, you need to be very careful."

"How am I a problem?" asked Abby, "They can't get into the lab without permission so I'm not in any danger."

"You still need to make sure that anything you discover can be backed up by *normal* science. One whiff of anything hinky and the Feebs will be on us with a microscope. Until further notice, none of you are going to use your powers on a case without my express permission."

"But Gibbs, how are we going to solve the cases?" asked McGee.

"The same way everyone else does. Superpowers or not, we are still the best investigative team around and we're gonna prove it."

"Hey, Gibbs," said Tony with a big grin,"I think this calls for another rule."

"Huh?"

"Well, there's rule thirteen: 'never involve a lawyer' but I think we need another for this situation. Number fifty-one: 'Keep the FBI out of it'"

Even Gibbs smiled. Leave it to Tony to lighten even the worst situation.

* * *

Everything ran smoothly for a few days. The team actually enjoyed flexing their long unused investigative skills and when it was necessary, and only after Gibbs scanned the area, they did occasionally put their powers to use. Tony made a quick run to grab some evidence for a court order, which allowed Ziva to sneak in invisibly to plant a bug. McGee still explored the inner workings of various computer networks but they were careful not to disclose anything that could not be obtained by superior hacking skills. Abby used her X-ray vision on a regular basis but now she also performed the actual experiments as backups. No one really worried about Ducky since Gibbs had declared that his talent was so strange that even if someone walked into FBI headquarters and testified to it the only thing it would net them was a psych eval. Gibbs, of course, went right on reading minds but he was even more taciturn than usual as he guarded his conversation to prevent any awkward leakages.

Unfortunately, their efforts were for nought. Finding nothing, the FBI just looked harder. When the field yielded no clues, the Feebs started paying regular visits to the Navy Yard. Gibbs wasn't sure whether or not he was happy that they hadn't sent Fornell. On the one hand, Fornell shared his dislike for the tactics of the higher ups so Gibbs would stand a chance of persuading him to keep any small finds under wraps. On the other hand, he was also a clever investigator and one look inside the mind of the bozo they did send told Gibbs that he wouldn't recognize a superpower even if it walked up and introduced itself.

One day it almost came to just that.

Whenever the senior FBI agent was in NCIS headquarters, Gibbs sent a feeler into his brain. Unfortunately the guy had one of the most annoying trains of thought Gibbs had ever encountered. Porn, lunch, more porn, his car, porn in his car ... it was never ending. And it wasn't even good porn. If Gibbs had to listen to him imagine some blonde (brunette, Asian, red head, Russian ...) bimbo saying, 'Oh John, you're so big I don't think I can take all of you,' one more time he thought he was going to lose his lunch. But then the guy's latest imaginary tryst was interrupted by a phone call.

"Agent Riggs here ........ You've got something? ........ Uh huh ........ Well, give me the details ........... He what? .........."

Then the agent moved over to the window and lowered his voice. Not that that was a problem for Gibbs. He couldn't read the mind of the agent calling in (his powers only worked clearly for a limited distance and were at their best if he could see his subject) but *listening* to the head guy was enough to let Gibbs know that they had narrowly dodged a bullet.

"So, you're telling me the guy just revved up and ran off in a blur ........ like the cartoon roadrunner, oh yeah, that makes so much more sense ......... You're not sure what you saw ........... Look, you idiot, I don't know what you were drinking last night but if you try to report drivel like this again you'll spend the next year chained to a desk."

Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief and started contemplating Tony's punishment.

* * *

It was late, and the bullpen was empty except for Gibbs, when Tony finally walked in that evening. He gave Gibbs a cheery hello but then stopped dead when he saw the scowl on his face.

"Do you realize you almost blew our cover today?'" he asked Tony in a flat voice.

"What? When? How do you know it was me?" protested Tony.

"Aside from the phone call Riggs got?" asked Gibbs rhetorically and pointed at a stain on Tony's shirt. "I can always tell when you eat on the run."

"Shit, no matter how careful I try to be, the sonic boom always knocks the cheese off the pizza."

Gibbs gave him his best death stare.

"Really boss, I had some errands to run at lunchtime and they took longer than I thought and, well, I have to eat, you know. I wasn't anywhere near the office or any of the case sites. I thought it would be safe."

"You didn't think. They're tailing us. Do you understand that? We have to be on our guard all the time and every place."

"I'm sorry boss, it won't happen again."

"No it won't. I'm gonna make sure of that," said Gibbs as he gestured Tony over to his desk and indicated that he should drop his pants.

"Please boss, not in the office."

"Oh yes, in the office."

Tony knew better than to object any more. He undid his belt and had started to lower his pants and shorts when a thought occurred to him. "Hey boss, you're sure Ziva went home, right?"

"Now DiNozzo!" was all the answer he got.

Tony sighed. Resistance was futile so he dropped trou' and braced himself on Gibbs' desk. Gibbs took a moment to admire Tony's beautifully rounded ass. The fact that he was going to enjoy this did not take away at all from the seriousness with which he intended this punishment. He raised his hand and ...

_Thwack! _ Tony jumped a bit in surprise at the force of the blow.

_Thwack! _ Gibbs could begin to see a slight flush on one side of his agents buttocks.

_Thwack! _ Gibbs shifted position a bit to work on the other cheek.

_Thwack! _ Tony made a small, painful squeak.

_Thwack! _ "Ow!" Tony finally yelled in protest.

Gibbs paused and looked down at his lovers glowing behind. He couldn't help himself and reached down to caress the abused flesh. Tony moaned as Gibbs' hand smoothed across the skin he had so recently been torturing.

"Are you focusing properly now Tony?" asked Gibbs.

"Yes, boss," replied Tony in a somewhat shaky voice.

Gibbs smiled to himself and then turned his nails into Tony's ass and raked them none too gently across the tenderized flesh.

"Ow! You never said anything about scratching," protested Tony.

"And you didn't tell me you were picturing make-up sex."

"Well what did you expect me to do when you started petting my ass?"

Gibbs smiled. "Just one more for good measure."

_Thwack!_

Tony stood up gingerly and retrieved his pants, not even trying to hide the erection that his *punishment* had produced. "So," he said, "Can we go have that make -up sex now?"

"Yup."

Tony reached for Gibbs' hand, in a hurry to get his reward now that he had endured his spanking.

"Tony! Have you forgotten already?"

"Nnno boss," he stuttered, "I was gonna drive. Really." He grabbed the car keys off his desk.

Now it was Gibbs' turn to hold out his hand. Tony looked at him for a moment, confused as to what he wanted.

"The keys, DiNozzo. I'm gonna drive and you're gonna think about how some things are better when you do them ... SLOWLY."


End file.
